“We will get through this together”: Finding community in the wake of tragedy

This story is posted with the permission of the Durkin family in the hopes that it can help others find the resources they need.

Our family has decided to share what we know about Michael’s death in the hope that it might save another child.

In the days since Michael’s passing, I’m sure many are confused as to why this happened and while we’ll never know everything, we thought that if sharing his story helps even one young person or family avoid a similar tragedy, then it is worth it.

While Michael had struggled with mental health challenges at times, he was doing well – he was attending therapy (and not arguing about it), doing well in school, talking about the future of being an airline mechanic or something within that field with his friend Isaac. He went to the homecoming festivities and game with his friends recently (except for the dance, which he thought was going to be too crowded and they weren’t going to play music he likes anyways) and by all accounts appeared to be in a fairly good place. He was making plans, building relationships, and looking ahead. That is one reason this loss has been such a shock to all of us.

What we have learned is that shortly before his death, Michael received threats from someone online. After sharing inappropriate photos through an app that was able to bypass our parental controls, he was allegedly threatened that the images would be distributed on social media, along with false and damaging claims about him, unless money was paid.

At some point in the early morning hours, overwhelmed by fear, embarrassment, panic, or a combination of emotions we may never fully understand, Michael left our home and took actions that ended his life.

The police and FBI are actively investigating the circumstances surrounding these messages.

As parents, we want others to know several things:

• Online sextortion is real. Criminals target children and teenagers every day. They are skilled at creating panic and convincing young people that their lives will be ruined if images are shared.
• No mistake, embarrassing photo, poor decision, or threat is worth a life. There is always a way forward.
• Children need to hear repeatedly that there is nothing they can tell their parents that cannot be worked through together. Temporary embarrassment, consequences, or difficult conversations are survivable.
• Even when a child seems happy, successful, and is making plans for the future, they may still be carrying burdens they are struggling to process.
• Parental controls, monitoring tools, and safeguards are important, but they are not foolproof. New apps and technologies can create paths around them.

If you are a parent, please have this conversation with your children today and repeatedly! I talked to Michael about this type of things previously, but obviously not enough. Tell them that if anyone ever threatens them online, demands money, asks for photos, or says their life will be over if something is shared, they need to come to you immediately. Tell them they will be loved, protected, and helped. Remind them that no situation is too big, too embarrassing, or too difficult for your family to face together.

Michael was deeply loved and cared for by so many. We wish with all our hearts that he had known in that moment that there were so many people ready to stand beside him and help him through whatever he was facing.

If sharing his story helps another child realize there is always another option and another family avoid this unimaginable heartbreak, then his story may save a life.

And if you are a teenager reading this and are being threatened online right now, please stop and tell a trusted adult immediately. Talk to a parent, grandparent, teacher, school counselor, coach, pastor, or another adult you trust. Call or message me! Whatever mistake you think you made, whatever embarrassing situation you think you’re facing, and whatever someone is threatening to do, it is temporary. There are people who care about you, there are people who will help you, and there is always a way forward. Your life is worth so much more than any photo, post, rumor, or threat. Please reach out and let someone help carry that burden with you.

Resources for Teens and Parents

• If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 anytime, 24 hours a day.
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.
• Report Online Exploitation or Sextortion
• FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3): https://www.ic3.gov
• National Center for Missing & Exploited Children CyberTipline: https://www.cybertipline.org

Parents: If your child comes to you with something frightening or embarrassing, try to lead with calm, love, and reassurance. The most important message is: “We will get through this together.”

Please share this post. If Michael’s story helps even one young person realize there is another option, another conversation, another day, and another chance, then some good may come from this unimaginable loss.

No photo, mistake, rumor, threat, or moment of embarrassment is worth a life. There is always help. There is always hope. There is always a way forward.

In loving memory of Michael.